CAN'T ALL BE WEDDING CAKE

by Michaelene Friedersdorf

Just gonna get right into it--no introductions. This morning, I considered telling my new boyfriend how I felt about Ray Charles. I was wide awake at 5:25 and I'm staring at the clock because May 25th is my mother's birthday and for some reason, once I realize that, I can't go back to sleep anymore. And I'm looking, past his body laying there in the bed next to me, at the clock thinking about my mother's birthday and then about Ray Charles. His version of Let the Good Times Roll running through my head, some holdover from a dream I just had, and I'm feeling all restless and I wanted to wake him up because Ray Charles was making me crazy and ever since college Ray Charles and his voice, that way he sings when it's like his piano playing makes his singing almost reckless, would just make me want to fuck. Right at that moment though (because now looking back I have a completely different opinion), I felt that if I woke him up and if we had sex I would have to tell him about Ray Charles. I would owe it to him and the problem was that if I did tell him he would then have some power over me. Maybe that's too extreme but he would have something, knowing about Ray Charles, that he didn't have before and it would be something that I gave to him. And no matter how much I wanted to fuck, I wasn't ready to give him anything. So I lay there, looking at the clock, thinking about my mother.