Mmmmmmmm, It's a Good Cookie

Christmas cookie...

The first time my fucking brother pounded the cookie dough I had carefully shaped in the half-hour my mother gave me to "be creative" because Dad was working late and wouldn't yell at her to "tell the fucking kids to shaddup and go watch TV" and had only left for a quick pee since I had been holding it in for 29 of those 30 minutes so excited for once to be doing something upstairs rather than down in the basement with the spiders and the kerosene heater and the clicking furnace and the whistling winter wind windows and the musty dog farting but I couldn't hold it in anymore and all I had left to do was put the jellybean buttons on the snowman before Mom popped them in the oven and I came out of the bathroom just in time to see my brother SLAM the dough into the wooden table and then actually spit a long-tailed goober right into it and all I remember is what 'sounds' to me like a silent scream but my mother hearing it and smacking his left ear and he cried like a baby but sat on my head later against the cold stone floor of the cape cod we lived in in Peekskill, NY, circa 1973.  That night I drew lines into the condensation of the windows meant to be daggers I wished I could stab into my brothers ears and eyes and hands and feet and even his fucking tiny boy balls.

Then there was the one I had in college right after Jerry--Jerry the Jerk they called him which I knew and understood why but still that night his cock was in my mouth such was my desire to break through with all these people I wanted to be friends with, pathetic as that sounds in a completely movie-of-the-week kind of way but then again they don't make those movies from nothing but at least a GRAIN of truth--came against the back of my throat and it seemed to me to be at least a little inconsiderate not factoring my feelings at all into the equation and just assuming that since his cock was there I was consenting to swallow.  I guess it's a fine line, I don't know, you tell me...I guess that's what a girl should expect putting that thing in her mouth and moving her tongue and her lips around at the direction of the grunts and moans from above taking cues and signals from a moron and known 'jerk' or at least that's what the movie of the week would tell you, right - suck a cock and expect to swallow SOMETHING Mackenzie Phillips might say no?  But stumbling out in the champagne haze I grabbed one of the Christmas Tree cookies that my roommate Mary Alice Gilloughy had made (just to change the taste in my mouth) because "you need something to eat at a party" she would say such was her theory and it was a safe bet that Mary Alice wasn't putting ANYONE'S cock in her mouth unlike me who went from cock to cookie with the skill and alacrity of a $2 whore except for the eruption of vomit soon after of the three C's as Jerry the Jerk called it as it was happening practically--champagne, cookie and cum all over Mary Alice's grandmother's comforter making her actually get her Irish up (said Jerry, again) and call me a 'cunt' which she pronounced with such relish like it was spelled with a KCH at the beginning that I just shut down in so many ways and gave up on ever stabbing my brother in the balls or anything like that and resigned myself to...well, so many things from that moment I can't adequately say.

So now we find ourselves staring at the plate of snowmen and christmas trees and even fucking stars of David lovingly baked and decorated by yours truly in celebration of yet another holiday season in the company of so many recasted characters from my life - there's my Dad at the copy machine and Jerry down in IT and Mary Alice in accounts payable - that had I not completely shut-down years ago I might've had the strength, physical, mental, emotional, to do something about it - like yell at the top of my lungs FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!! but instead I resort to rat poison.  In the cookies.  And they come at them like rats don't they?  Can't resist another Christmas-y confection can you Jerry?  God forbid you NOT stuff your face with another cookie Mary Alice...and Dad, yes Dad, I've never seen anyone eat a fucking cookie with such anger.  But then again you were always a bit of a yeller weren't you Dad?  Well Happy Holidays friends, lovers, family one and all.  And just to show you I have a sense of humor, I'll join you.  Nothing like a nice cookie to get the party started.  'Tis the season!  Mmmmmmmm, it's good.