Life Lines

It's a peculiar thing this separation.  Seeing a thing that was once a part of you just simply not be a part of you any longer.  It's like you had this whole life, taking for granted, almost, that you would always be one--a whole--and then there comes a day and that part of you is missing.  

First there's the shock of it, I guess.  And stop me if you start recognizing any of the stages of grief.  I was never good at that sort of thing so I don't know what's what, I can only describe the feelings.  There was definitely a moment of shock.  I'm laying there, on the ground, and I remember the sound the leaves made, the dried and brown leaves between my ear and the sidewalk.  A crunching noise it was.  And I tried to focus on the thing in my immediate line of sight.  Fingers.  A hand.  Reaching out to me.  It occurred to me then that there had been some kind of accident.  Something bad had happened.  And someone was there with me.  I tried to move, to lift my head.  I could slightly and then I realized that there was a hand but no arm; no body.  Nobody else there with me, just me.  And then I think "who's hand is this?"  And then the inevitable dreadful realization.  But for a moment, again, there's that peculiar curiosity of the scene.  I recognized my own hand now.  You know, I know it, right.  You know what they say about when you really know something?  Well, in this case it's really REALLY true.  I could see the scars from where I had gotten that deep cut from the deli slicer.  I could see the cuticles I had bitten to bleeding that morning.  "That's my hand."  Only you see now that it wasn't anymore.  It's not going to be with me anymore.  Our journey together was at an end.  No divorce, just separation.  Permanent.  Funny.  There wasn't any pain yet, just this odd sensation.  My brain still had two hands too so there wasn't even that.  And I just avoided for the sake of argument even looking at what was going on with the rest of me.  I just figured I'd lay there looking at the hand on the sidewalk.  Whatever was going to happen to me was going to have to be handled by someone else.  I closed my eyes and I thought I saw the fingers move.